A $20 Check From the Government

My mother died in 1974.... I think I was five years old at the time. It's really kind of vague. Most of what I can remember is fleeting moments of time with her, save of course for a time when she had caught me with a pack of match's. That memory is a long moment... a long moment of pain, as it was her decision to hold my bare hand above the flame of a lite candle.


I'm sure that it didn't burn me to a smoldering degree, but I remember it did scare the hell out of me and it did blister.


I remember being held in closets by my sibling when she wasn't around.... I remember other rough housing as well that was much more fun....


I remember breaking "out" of the house using a broom handle and a chair to reach the lock at the top of the door.

I remember stringing a roll of paper towels from one end of the house to the other... pulling it right off of the spool on the wall.... Laughing with mischief the whole time.


I remember the viewing, the services in Las Vegas.... and I remember falling asleep in the procession on the way to the cemetery lead with what seemed entire legions of motorcycle police, as my mothers brother was a mounted cop in Vegas at the time.


I pissed my pants sometime between leaving the services and waking up after the grave side... at least that's what I remember. That was in a September.


I then remember having to move out of the housing that we were living in, in a different town very near Christmas of that year. It was the place where we had lived before my mother fell ill entirely to cancer. We owned it (my mothers name) and some trailer rentals.


We had to move out because my mothers mother, my Grandmother on her side, was upset that my father won custody of myself and an older sibling. She called in some loans she had made to my mother..... and of course my father both didn't have the money and probably wouldn't have paid her anyway. It was that kind of a relationship in allot of respects... but odd in comparison to our modern day, he never let it effect us (or myself I guess as I can't and won't speak for my brother). I still visited the cousins and other relatives on that side.... he (my father) might not have been stellar, but he did succeed in many areas where it is quite common to see outright failure in our modern day.


My Thanks.


I remember the move because it seems so unique to me. It was my first experience with really saying goodbye in allot of ways... the imagery I can recall really supports that in strangely positive ways. Ways that I can now embrace and even laugh at with warm recall.


It was frightfully near Christmas when we were making the move. It was only from one place to another in the same small town, so it was "entertaining" in many ways from my perspective now.


I can recall, during the last trip of that move.... a rather colorful scene that must have been uproarious to witness.


It has a strange warmth to it, I think because of the circumstance and the way it played out. It was after dark.... everything else had been removed from the place we were leaving except for miscellaneous odds and ends.... a few single socks... lint.... some scattered cards... a few marbles... and a fully decorated, lighted Christmas tree.


It was the last thing to remove from the premises. No one was about to take all of the decorations off and then re-decorate it.... so up into the back of an old GMC pick up it went. Fully trimmed. Myself and older sibling riding in the back with it, to steady it.


It was quite the sight and especially in contrast to the experience of turning from an empty room in the doorway... a room I had known as the only relation to "home" to that date in my life..... I can still remember our four digit telephone number. I turned from that view to the visage of a Christmas tree in the back of a pick up truck. Lite now only from the street light across the gravel way. Shadows..... the chill in the air... the exhaust puffing from the truck as if it were raring to go. I wasn't so sure. It felt strange. It looked strange... but was comfortable in the same strangeness.


I can only imagine now how we must have looked driving through town with a fully decorated Christmas tree in the back of the truck, with myself all of five or six years old, and my older sibling at around fifteen.... Losing ornaments with every corner it seemed, however exaggerated that may be now with the distance from the experience... crashing to gravel and asphalt.


Weird, but I don't really recall moving it into the "new" house... but I know It got there.


I lived with my father for the remainder of my childhood and into my teens. My older sibling moved out at the first chance he had.


It was never decadent in the standard meaning of such a word.... but I wouldn't trade the experiences for anything willingly. It was very near a railroad yard and the river. Both of which I spent what seemed to be endless days playing around.


As soon as I could ride a bicycle (eight or nine years old), I was working, delivering papers. Bringing home what little money a kid could in those days. My allowance was two dollars a day when I got into my early teens... and maybe a few quarters before that. It was definitely enough though, as we had imagination in those days... and you could get decent fish and crawdad bait for free at the local butcher shop.


My father died just after my high school graduation. He had just returned from a vacation around the world. I thought that was kind of odd, as he had already been just about everywhere a person could in his military career.


I was already living on my own so to speak... as I had been since sometime in my senior year... but would find myself dropping in and kind of splitting my time between the old house and where ever I was staying at the time.


I recall getting back into town from the days labor at a mine site working for a construction company, and it was already dark that time of year. I walked into the old house and found the television on but tuned to a static channel... and the old man on the floor face down. The only light in the room was the television.


I stepped over my father laying there thinking it normal at the time... as he had been drinking as of late, and went into the kitchen to grab a sandwich. When I returned to the living area, I began to notice things that weren't quite right.


He would always watch television with a light on behind it, lighting up the wall.
His large plastic cup was overturned on the end table in a manner that had trapped the contents within it... suggesting a very rapid transition of some sort.


Then I looked at his body in the flickering light and noticed splotches. I really didn't even have to get up to look closer, as I already knew at that point with some feeling inside.


He was dead.


When I attempted to check his pulse just to make sure, I didn't even need to touch him before the cold of death was palpable. Inches away from his wrist... it radiated if you can imagine that. Cold radiating.


I called my sister... who then apparently called the local coroner.. who happened also to be with the Sheriffs department. They showed up and went through a series of actions that is a comedy unto itself if you ever witness it. Allot of photographs and "official" hub-ub. I guess just to make sure that he was dead.


"Take a picture! Did the flash make him move? Nope. Yep. He's dead alright." Things of that nature... though perhaps not as pronounced.


The mess that incurred between my siblings is itself yet another sad comedy. I swear, that if I had planted even the most obvious of fake "treasure maps" pointing to some inaccessible area such as under the house, that they all would have stopped at nothing to "get their hands on it." Further while trying to keep the fact that they were from all the other siblings.


I can just see it... "Hey, what are you doing over there?"


"Oh... nothing... just thought I would dig a hole in the middle of the night... I guess I had to go to the bathroom or something. How about you, why do you have a pick and shovel?"


"No special reason... I suppose they just needed to go out for a walk is all."

My cousins would have been no different.

My father was what they call a "lifer" in the military. Over twenty years of service. He served and survived several conflicts. He hardly even ever talked about it. All I really got from him in that respect, was when he was drunk one time (which was INCREDIBLY seldom) and locked in his bedroom.. going through some flash backs of some sort. It wasn't anything all too clear, but I am sure the actual experience was horrific.


"We" chose to bury him in Tucson, Arizona, near his mother and father's graves. Full honors in a big way. Taps, Twenty One Guns and Missing Man. He was Air Force. Air Force from way back.
Much of the next year or so is kind of a blur for a few reasons.... much of which is just a doldrums. I do recall though, a short time after I had returned to the small town I had grown up in, that the U.S. Government sent me a check as some sort of restitution for my fathers passing.
It was a check for Twenty Dollars.


I had to laugh. Twenty Bucks? Why did they bother sending it?


I should have framed it just for the giggle... how ever morbid you may think it... but I cashed it outright and promptly purchased no less than a case of beer, I believe.


A few cold beers was a good little thing to spend it on I think. Kind of fitting in many ways. Twenty Bucks didn't even equate to a dollar for each year of his service.... and the cold beers probably fit the day.



phogoraph; U.S. Government

It Has Been Said; Do We Have To Have Corn Syrup in "Everything?"

Where is it exactly, if anywhere, that the line is drawn for products in which to include corn syrup as an ingredient?


When a person really considers it, it isn't hard to see why the oil guys don't want corn liqour fuel... corn syrup is already everywhere.


There are laws, you know... and there should be laws when it comes to genetically altering something like corn syrup or what ever it may be bound for, just so the corn syrup can be used in the finished product somehow.


I wouldn't be surprised if the corn syrup guys are planning a big assault on the embalming fluid business. It would make more sense than some of the things that a person can find corn syrup in.


I can understand the need to utilize product. I can understand the want to make profits. What puzzles me is the effort to genetically alter those crops just to make more for the presumed purpose of keeping up with demand. If it is that big of a problem... then stop trying to put corn syrup in every pre-prepared food product on the market.


Whats next? Corn syrup in corn syrup as an additive? Corn syrup shampoo? Perhaps even a corn syrup enema with medical industry support?

The older folks would probably buy it.....


Think about how much corn syrup could be used in new pharmaceuticals? That is, in the new ones where it isn't already employed in some derivitive and manner?


Could you imagine a corn syrup and Viagra deal?


It would be easier to list the things in the modern world where in corn syrup is NOT used, than it would be to list the things that it is an ingredient of.


I'm thinking that corn syrup embalming fluid would just be a bit too far. But that is just in my own opinion.

It Has Been Said ; Beauty vs. Ugly

Beauty? Ugly? Serious-ly?


I've recently discovered a rather interesting perspective. Just for the result of it, I moved my point of view just a bit and realized that I was on to something.

I have found that our modern media and advertising machines are not geared toward the female necessarily to play into a want of accentuating their beauty... as much as simply to convince them to try and cover up more ugly.

Now that is not to say that women are "ugly" so to speak.... nor is it in an attempt to imply that men are better looking.... as any can see... men are no where near as aesthetically pleasing as are most females. This I think is due to that extra effort of covering up more ugly.

Consider this for a moment. Look around you in your regular day. How much actual "beauty" is there compared to the illusion of "beauty" brought on through the extra effort of covering up the large percentage of the existing and more prominent "ugly?"


Even the most gorgeous of females or males, possess at least in part, a good portion of "ugly." Consider the groin area for instance. In and of itself... it's just damn ugly.. male or female. That area has a reputation of noxious fumes as well... both male and female. It is something else about existence that makes it seem appealing (which is entirely a different subject)... and I have to say that I think trying to cover up the "ugly" helps this along.


Quite factually, I believe that it is all in an effort to get past the fact of ugly in that area.... through hiding more "ugly" in other places. The reasoning seems to be, that if there is less "ugly" to be worried about in the preliminary stages of any inter-human interaction.... then the absolutely repulsiveness of sexuality... more the sexually related areas, will seem less offensive. Such just isn't the case. It's still just damn ugly.... but.... what the advertisers don't want you to know is that sex would still happen even without all of the effort to conceal the "ugly." Ugly simply is, and must surely be a solid constant.


How can any human look at any other human and fail to see the ugly? Look at super models... all scraggly.. skin and bones..... no less ugly in many ways than the most hideous of "mingers." Same parts in total... simply arranged differently in extremely subtle ways.


To worry about who is more beautiful is not only a farce and waste of life... but is illusion. The real game should be about who has covered up more ugly... which really is what it is anyhow. There isn't much in the world that isn't just plain ugly anyway. Most of what is seen as "beauty" has been doctored up and promoted as such through the media... "beauty" is just "ugly" with allot of distraction and publicists. Spin Doctors.


Something else I have noticed in the more crass areas of modern media... is that they will try and use as much "less ugly" as possible. For instance, in a somber example... the use of death.
I happened upon a story this morning in the news paper that was about two young ladies having been killed in a car wreck.


O.K., so this is unfortunately a common thing... but.... the difference is that these two young ladies were successful in having covered up more ugly than most other people. They got a whole news story AND a large photo of the two of them smiling and exhibiting very little obvious ugly. Front Page Stuff.


If you examine it, there are many more people that happened to have died on the same day. They just weren't as successful in covering as much ugly as were these two young ladies. They got nothing but the average blurb in the obituary column, with a small photo if they were lucky... and that is... if their family thought that they had a photograph that sufficiently displayed their effort at hiding ugly... whether or not they were that successful in such an endeavor.


This brings me to examples in the celebrity areas of society. Take into account the consistencies in history around celebrity and ugly.


When someone like Jennifer Aniston dies... there will be some media coverage.. perhaps even publicized services... but hardly anyone will really care that much and there will most certainly be a multitude in number of similar people to fill her roll... just waiting for her to die even.
Now this isn't to say that Aniston isn't ugly. She, as have many others... has just been more successful in covering ugly a bit more... but as well, has involved herself in the activity of promoting the myth of beauty.


Now then.... when someone like Jack Nicholson dies.... it's going to seriously effect some things. Businesses might even close just to show some respect. There is no hiding the fact that Jack Nicholson is down right ugly. He has never made any pretense to the contrary. Robert Dinero? Same type of ugly, different carcass.


Another example is Princess Diana of English notability. Sure, you think to yourself... "How could you say that she was ugly?" Simple.. yet again this is an example of a successful campaign of altering perception with covering of ugly. Sure, she had a little less ugly than the average person I suppose.... but really... look at some photographs... it isn't as though she was really much more than "plain jane" under the "ugly coverage."


Before you get all offended, remeber that this isn't personal slant... it is simply example in observation.


I attribute the amount of attention that her passing received entirely to the amount of "ugly" that she in fact did embody as a human creature. Again, she managed to alter this perception... more... she managed to avoid the contradiction of "ugly/beauty" almost entirely... which.. in my opinion is really an attribute toward the elusive status of true beauty. Seriously, did any of you see the shnoz on her?


I think it's the connection with ugly that really establishes a person in society.


Here, again an example. John Lennon died and the entire world almost stopped. People literally felt it.

Look at pictures of that guy, will ya'! And the naked ones? U. G. L. Y. Period.


When Paul McCartney dies? Sure probably a big parade of pomp and the like. But it won't be anything near that which was actually in the wake of John Lennon.


This isn't favoritism, mind you.. just a comparative example.


John Lennon was pretty damn ugly. Paul McCartney has managed to cover up a considerable amount of ugly. A big difference being that Lennon really didn't try to pander to those efforts of covering ugly... he even used it... where someone like McCartney actually tries to "not be ugly." Big mistake in my opinion for several reasons.


I should point out another interesting facet of this. The perceptions and combinations of those perceptions... and how they equate.


John Lennon... ugly... talented.


George Harrison... considerably ugly, though having less exposed ugly than Lennon... talented.


Do you see the comparison differences? Lennon used more of the "raw" ugly, which turned out to be the "style" that people perceived. Harrison used a bit of the raw ugly, but then "smoothed it" a bit.... thus rendering his "style." McCartney just plain tried to pretend he wasn't ugly in his art... which fell more to the "pop gloss" area of result.


Michael Jackson... UGLY. But neither him or his mother think so... and we all know how hard he has tried to cover up ugly.


Aguilera? Do I really have to say it? I would bet that she is so crazy from having to always worry about hiding her ugly, that she even has a pet name for it.


Britney Spears? Please... Look at that woman... even before the child. Do you realize how much she has to exercise just to keep her natural "hog body" from breaking through? She has tons of ugly hiding out in there somewhere.


It is really a rather interesting subject on the whole. The myth of beauty as we know it, that is.
"Ugly" seems to be the thing that binds humanity. "Beauty" seems to be the illusion that divides it.


Another result from such observation, is that the way to true beauty seems very much through the ugly. Specific parts of the "ugly." Being a part of it in a specific way. Using it.. acknowledging it.... All other attempts at beauty becoming, falling to, the truly ugly in their procession...the type of ugly that can't really be used..... regardless of the amount of effort in covering it up with the un-ugly elements of the illusion of beauty.


From where I stand.... all told... there just isn't enough "ugly remover" to attain beauty as it is widely perceived through the most common mythical path's to it.


Ugly rules in varying degrees. It's just that simple. The biggest problem that I see is in keeping those natural forms of ugly... those that are part of life and can be used as such in a very productive manner....Separate from those manufactured forms of ugly that are similar to nuclear waste. Those forms of ugly that have been produced as result of failed attempts at some false beauty.


Yeah... most of the natural forms of ugly truly rock! It's the "synthetic" ugly that is to be held in contempt and removed.... but that seems like the battle and dynamic we are experiencing with germs and bacteria. The more that germs and bacteria are combated with chemicals, the more they change and become more dangerous.


There is no shortage of dangerous ugly in the world.


How then to battle those dangerous forms of ugly that we as a society have heaped upon ourselves through the facade and attempt at beauty? I'm telling you... the "burnt" results of those moronic and megalomaniacal attempts are truly caustic.... toxic.... a type of ugly that should have it's own word just to differentiate it from our normal, ugly lives.


It's easy to find groups of those synthetic examples of ugly... as they are usually from and around those places where it is that attempts at beauty have been maintained through those artificial means.


It's kind of a hilarious contradiction.... those trying desperately to be less ugly any way that they can... becoming a form and source for a type of ugly that isn't even human... in fact it would be hard to categorize as mineral, animal, plant.... etc.... it's Fugly, quite truly and almost not as ugly as the people and result of the people around them telling them that they aren't. That in itself is a species of ugly that is hard not to laugh at.



Ugly... get a little on ya! The good kind. Even if it stinks a bit.

It Has Been Said; Never had It So Good

I look around at modern society... I say modern in comparison to the atmosphere that I grew up in.... knowing that it is such a short period of time between here and there. Even in that it is easy to cite many "advances" that have forever changed (or definitely in the process of) some things.


For instance. When I was a child... a young toddler and even younger, there were very few of what many consider to be a normal part of childhood today... that being the stroller. These things today are scientifically designed vehicles in many ways... and in many ways more efficient and better in design than most space craft I would imagine.


In a short period of around thirty years, our society has gone from dragging our children around by what ever appendage or piece of clothing that could be grabbed... to literally chauffeuring our young from place to place. All that is lacking is trumpeted fanfare and continuous reams of red carpet. These kids are really living it up!


A person must at least be entertained to some degree with the "Rock Star" elements of it. Many of these children are even dressed for the part. Cool shades.. hep clothes..... a dynamite ride.... food and beverage at their finger tips... in allot of cases even what could be considered "onboard" entertainment right there on their "dash board," and most of the time a "hot babe" pushing them around. Sometimes several of them in a procession.... and did I mention (from my male perspective) that many of these young guys already have chicks with just as cool of a ride. Need I say... "Stylin'?"


I suspect it won't be long before these things are standard with power steering, full suspension and electronic entertainment systems.


When did my generation have it that good? Me thinks.... nnnnNever.


My mother and sibling dragged me around.... snatched me up like a sack of what ever was handy. I must have waddled more miles in my toddler years than most early teens right now have yet to walk.... all while being half dragged from some "sticky outie" part of my body. Incurring scabs and scrapes that have yet to be identified just from every day activity.


Then I think to myself, why is this all being wasted? Why are people getting so much dumber?

So much more opportunity for progress through alleviating strife... through achieving and providing a level of comfort as yet unmatched in any society from history. How can it possibly be happening? How is it that so many similar advances could be surfacing while the majority of the population continues to get... just plain dumber?


Is there some automatic machine somewhere that dictates precisely the needed changes to develop these modern contraptions and others which promote ease of living? Can't be, can it?

And another question... why does such magnificent "advance" seem to stop at a given "target market level?"


Incredible, perhaps even "space aged" strollers..... but I still have to get into a cab that has something sticky on the seat and probably burns oil in "quarts per hour."


How shocked are these kids going to be when they get to that age where the social advances have "run aground?" It might just be call for psychological therapy when it is that these kids have to experience their first ever cab ride... especially if it is by themselves.


How much harder is it going to be when they enter school? I can just see the culture shock in that alone; "Hey! Where the hell is my ride? What do you mean I have to walk? I just got that thing totally 'pimped out' and you're trying to tell me that I can't ride in it any more? Isn't that what the teacher is paid for... to push me around to my classes?"


Man... what a terrible to thing to have to experience. Can you imagine the heart break?

Especially on that very first day?

"My pants are wet... I can't find my shades...... some other kid pulled my hair... and my ride is no where to be found. Ain't life a bitch?"


It is definitely an interesting time to be alive.....

It Has Been Said; Public Restrooms

I have heard it said that a person can tell the health of a given society by looking at it's public restrooms.


I am surprised at this statement in so far as when it was issued... or when I perceive it to have been issued. As far as I can remember... and in looking at things now... this statement was issued in a time that is very much on the back part of the parabolic curve that is societal advance. It was issued in a time that such an observation wouldn't really amount to anything of the sort.


I can see truth to this statement if it were employed as a tool in the proper time frame within the cycle of society... but as I stated... the timing where-in it was issued doesn't quite fit. Reasons being are various and easy to understand when you apply the idea of gauging society in such measures against the cycle itself.


Here we are in an area of society in which such a gauge would not be of much use, as we have past a certain "progress" point within our current parabolic curve. We are very much at a point that has past the area where such an observation would yield truthful information. Pertinent, that is in regard to the health of the society itself.


This is for many reasons, one of which being the level of comfort that we have achieved. In that it is quite common to find public restrooms regularly disheveled... sometimes purposefully so as to provide reason enough to justify attention to them. We have surpassed the area in which all in society show proper "performance respect" in such facilities. We are now in an age where it has been realized that consistent and constant "performance" in that regard, yields a lack of need for attention to the facilities themselves and there in becoming a detriment to the appearance and condition of them through that "proper performance."


This has been exemplified in other areas of society and social workings as well.


When it is that such a peak is reached, so much so to actually become a detriment to itself in that manner... something then must be done to garner the need for even the most basic of attention to simply maintain the facility. If something isn't done to justify and maintain that need, then it is that the facility itself becomes useless in disrepair and 'damaged' from neglect in maintenance, and all through the efficient "proper usage performance."


So with that guys... if you like your public crapper to stay neat and tidy.... usable at least... then don't feel bad anymore when you forget to raise the seat and dribble all over it.... In fact I would encourage it for the sake of society itself.


Be a super hero fella's and piss on the seat! Maybe even blow your nose and throw the paper on the floor. Why not go ahead and put your wife's work number on the wall now and then? Do your part will you? Because it is obvious that the "utopian Society" isn't entirely of the consensus.

And what we have achieved of the "utopian Society" obviously doesn't operate on automatic.

So save our society from eminent demise and maybe even forget to flush now and then.

You could even go a step further and practice these techniques at home... that is if you don't have a wife without the more subtle insights as to what exactly promotes and maintains a safe, happy and healthy society.

Go ahead, boys. Leave the seat down at will.

But only if you think society is worth it.

Club Sandwich Revelation

I have recently noticed, as useless as it may seem, that I actually prefer club sandwich's after they have been around for awhile. More directly, after they have been refrigerated or at least exposed to the cool autumn elements for some time.


I find that I actually don't mind the softness of the toast after such exposure, storage. The flavor is still there enough to serve the purpose of such a mundane food item. I guess I should say that I don't mind the softness of the toast more than I do mind the near bleeding gums that are common after eating the normal version of the club sandwich. It just seems a bit self destructive to battle through the consumption of something as arbitrary as a sandwich, hoping not to inflict too much physical harm upon yourself... only to then say that you thought it to be good.... as if it were some standard setting goodness... when really, it's nothing more than some sliced turkey, vegetable matter, mayonnaise and bacon on some rather dry and sadictive bread.


Factually, if it weren't for the pork the club sandwich wouldn't even be worthy of mention in many ways. Except of course in communicating the dangers of not just two pieces of gum shredding bread, but three. As if two pieces of such mouth damaging bread product weren't enough. Then of course in exploring the development of such a hurtful food item. Some sadist somewhere thought it would be fun, I imagine, to make people eat the food worlds equivalent of sand paper in it's most abrasive form... and in such a manner as to produce the "triple blade effect" of most modern shaving tools. The first piece of toast grips your gums... then the second sheers a solid chunk of the first layer or so of skin... while the third follows up, finishing the job through ripping the remaining two layers from your flesh. People still insist that they are good.


Hardly a fair price for the simple pleasure of enjoying what most club sandwich's contain as a scant portion of cooked bacon. Everyone knowing that all of the other proteins and vegetables on a club sandwich are nothing but filler. A side show... a distraction, even an excuse and cover as it were, for the mysterious guilty pleasure of eating bacon....no matter how much more of them in volume that there is compared to the very little cooked and crispy bacon.... perhaps even smoked.. with a hint of salty bliss.

If ever I order another club sandwich in a restaurant, I will specify at the very least that all other ingredients except the mayonnaise be replaced with more bacon... and I will insist that they charge me no more than the regular price. It's the least they can do considering the physical harm a person must endure to eat such a malicious menu item.


Seems like a very mean trick to place such a wonderful goal of pork bliss beyond the confines of such impending harm.... It could be a rather wonderful testimony to just what people will put themselves through to experience that magnificent yet fleeting moment of Pork-gri-la. Such a plight and struggle for that euphoric instant... almost Shakespearian.... but with a bit more payoff. The trials and tribulation of knowing the resulting damage to be incurred... the strife... the inspiration.


I can imagine that the club sandwich just might have been the inspiration for things like barbed wire and even razor wire. Can't you just see it? A business lunch filled with bloody spittle from the mouths of chatting suits in the fence material business... leading to an industry changing development of fence materials. It really isn't that far fetched. "Great Lunch, guys! We should do this more often."


I would even venture that the club sandwich is the inspirational point where the idea for paper napkins came from. Blood stains on linen are really hard to remove.

Q; "Hey are you guys Vampires of the daytime?"
A; "No we are business people, and we just had club sandwich's... no.. really... it's our own blood that is dripping from our mouth's."


It isn't as though I have ever really liked club sandwich's that much anyhow. I just noticed how much less my mouth hurt after eating a club sandwich that had softened with exposure. Not one abrasion. All the pork flavor.

Photo- news.bbc

So maybe this isn't so funny per say....; "The Morning Cup"

I sit some mornings, very near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Most times just to watch as people go on their way as I wake up and think to begin my studies. The view is hardly boring given the great number of mercilessly attractive females of many walks, beginning their day. As well as a variety of other examples of humanity.

Some of them finishing their morning jog.... others hastening to meet their business day with Ipod and "morning cup" in hand. A person really can't fault them, can they? I don't think that many are actually trying to be so unforgivably, in such an inhumane fashion..... attractive, in as many ways as there are examples of them. Sometimes it seems to be the curves.... the movements..... other times it's obviously the poise.... then depending upon opportunity, it is very much the scent as well, no matter really which particular brand it may be a part of.... many times it is a combination including some element that remains illusive...undescribed as it always has been and as it will most likely remain, regardless of the perpetual attempt that seems to be our existence, to define it.... The Devil You Say!

There really should be some form of regulation from where I stand. So many heartlessly alluring human creatures. So many unknowing of their moments weight.

What a wonderful distraction.

A thing I have found most curious in a slightly humorous manner... that being incredibly peculiar... is the apparent problem a particular young lady seems to have with the painted finish line of the Boston Marathon.

Maybe it's the color scheme? Maybe it's a personal psychological "block" associated with the Marathon itself? Maybe it's just plain bad luck? maybe it is some other worldly influence I cannot as of yet grasp? Within any of these, there seems to be some combination, something that triggers some sort of involuntary and instant vertigo within her mind and existence.

Twice now, one of which was quite harrowing in it's nearness to a moving bus.... this young lady has very directly crashed her bicycle in the very same spot. Immediately... precisely on the front part of the painted finish line for the Marathon.

Luckily enough, neither time has she incurred any serious physical injury. Only obvious, though really minimal distress in the manner that most anyone would do following a "spill" of that sort. A bit of self chastising mixed with a fluctuating level of embarrassment between the confusion and urgency to get out of the street.

I must admit that at this point it is very cartoon like. I look up from the paper and my beverage... between drags off a morning smoke.... to find myself nearly encouraged with this uncanny repitition... not the "crash" or potential harm..... just the incredible battle she seems to be raging in with a painted line on the street.... into a bit of a giggle.

Perhaps there is a timing element with the entertainment and comedic value of what is called the news these days, which recently leaned me toward an off centered smile at this phenomenon. Mind you, it isn't her personal potential pain..... it isn't the risk of harm.... it's truly nothing of a malicious sort that I find funny about this repeated occurrence. It is just the slapstick and unbelievably curious and unique plight that she seems to have with a very specific area on the planet.

It's seems akin to waking up everyday and bumping ones head on the very same low shelf... perhaps stumping one's toe on the same corner of a table....but it isn't even that justifiable. It isn't even that physical. It is a painted line crossing the street. There is no blemish in the pavement. No rise in the perceived obstacle.

She obviously isn't a beginning cyclist.... as both times she was already in a sweat at this point of what seems to be some "inter-dimensional infraction," and both times she continued on her way as any normal cyclist would.

Both times she has dropped like a stone in the very same place. As if there were some invisible barrier meant just for her and her bicycle.

Then there is the aspect of the element of contradiction..... the break in the morning pace..... all moving along and flowing, ruthlessly displaying that indescribable magnificences most all of them possess in many of it's forms, quite normally really, mixed in with that which all else is...... as does she... until that precise and apparently daunting line across the road.... where it is that the immovable object seems to meet the irresistible force.... both times landing her firmly on her duff. No apparent reason. Perhaps she should walk her bike across the line for awhile. I probably would.

Gravity/Painted Line - 2, Young Lady on a Bicycle - 0.

A Peek Through The Keyhole; Some of the funniest stuff I have ever seen.

It is difficult to find a place to begin this piece.... it's complicated in some respects, but quite simple in it's total. Firstly I suppose, you have to realize how absolutely sad and pathetic the majority of it is. Once you have done that, it becomes uproariously funny of it's own volition.

Yes, it is in poor taste to laugh at the hardships of others... but can such be extended to hardships that most of them have brought upon themselves.... and in ways that you may not, as of this point in this piece understand? I definitely think not. Especially given the fact that it is very much about occurrences in and around my own life..... about people that I used to be related to, as well as some of what many of you would consider close friends....but could now no longer even identify them as human beings.

The difficult part to understand about this, is in gaining perspective... in really understanding what has transpired in the larger picture.

To hurry a bit of such insight for the sake of efficiency here-in I will go into my personal relations from the perspective of what you may consider "big money corporations" and those sniveling imps in the world that think they can ever be of "big money" through the pilfering of other peoples lives.

My uncle on my fathers side, was very much involved with the Hollywood scene for some years..... very much a part of many productions and at a time before there were loads of different studios and heavy competition. Everyone really did know everyone else back then, in that scene especially. You could not throw a rock in the movie industry without hitting someone that my uncles career has been a part of in some way. It is my uninterested understanding that he chummed around with the likes of Orson Welles and other prominent names from that era... but in a behind the scenes way... he was no "on screen talent" and never really pursued it from my perspective.

If it ever had been of interest to me, I very much could have (and maybe still could) walked into any studio in Hollywood and find employment at just about any level I desired. It has simply never been an ambition of mine.

To illustrate a bit further, such a relationship as per myself and my uncle on my father's side, was never in the effect of rights to any residuals for my person from his career. The laugh of this is that my sibling and other cousins were without the faintest clue about even the depth at which my uncle on my father's side had existed within the entertainment industry.... and... as per occurrences since around 1999, I can see why it is that people chose not to allow them to be privy to such to any degree, and for reasons that I cannot help but agree with after having witnessed the effect of them myself.

Hang with me here, you will soon see the outright hilarity of this.... I assure you.

The laugh here isn't topically available.... even those being the butt can't seem to see it... which I suppose is part of the wealth in the comedic value.

I guess I really should single my sibling out without including the influences that sent them on their goose chase. Those influences are the type of people that most on the planet consider scavengers of the highest order. They are the type that want so much to be part of anything, that they waste their lives 'finding things out' that they think will get them included. My relation through familial ties, with my uncle on my father's side, turned out to be one of those 'things to get them included,' or so it was that they believed.

Quite factually, all that any of the scavengers really 'found out' was topical information through what ever Internet search's, family history search's they could perform... and from what ever gossip they could get hold of from the industry itself.

These tactics served to be quite the success... though very much NOT in the manner they had hoped. If I didn't have such a disregard for their tactics and less than human approach.... I would actually feel bad for them. they proved to be a success in the manner that made them even a bigger joke to the industry itself, than ever they were before.

Sure, you can say that they are just mentally ill... but mentally ill people don't go to so much trouble to try and 'break into the scene' of anything in such a manner.... mentally ill people do not put so much at risk, thinking that they have everyone fooled...even further..thinking that they are smart, smarter even than the loads of people enjoying the punchline...... which is really part of the over all punch-line from a given perspective. They will, in fact, do anything as long as they think it will get them closer to that which they seek. I don't blame the people messing with them for doing so..... when you think about it, you just might as well.

Now then, to further illustrate the intricacies of this joke... I will note the occurrences that happened beginning in the mid-late 1990's around my life in the Seattle area.

I have always been a rather "blue collar-ish" type of guy. I possess intellect, I possess talents.... but nothing I really would rate over anyone else in allot of respects. I have always worked for a living...earning my own way regardless of how successful or otherwise it has been at different points in my life.

I moved to Seattle, Washington in late 1989. I soon found a job at a small local hotel as a dishwasher. I soon began cooking there as well... and my actual career in the culinary field began (though I had fast food jobs in my youth).... which makes sense to me as cooking has always been a part of my life... much of it I learned from my Great Aunt. I cooked at that hotel for nearly five years... but it is there that the "research" began about my personal heritage... along with it... began the rumors.

Now another part of the hilarity here, is that with those rumors and speculation, came the development of unwarranted jealousies... people I didn't even know suddenly had grudges against me... for no reason other than their own twisted perspectives.... as did, I now find, many that I did actually interact with. Much of these jealousies stemmed immediately from management personel... none of which I even knew about at the time. It was all back bighting and sniveling bickering contests about what really amounts to nothing... nothing more than their own sad perspectives. Enjoy this with me here.... their own speculations and assumptions made them jealous. They made themselves angry at NOTHING.

I changed jobs around late 1994... and began cooking at a rather high profile restaurant establishment in the area. James Beard type of stuff. Sadly... there were to be the same types of perspectives there.. though again, nothing outward... just bickering and back bighting.

This becomes even more of a sad, sick joke once you realize that from these jealousies and rumors.... a sad, caustic environment soon materialized in a subversive sense. Once it was 'found out' that I was related to such a point of 'connection,' it wasn't much later that I was suddenly to gain some sort of notoriety in the form of wealth and/or fame..... what this proved to do was fuel the rodents clambering over one another to attach themselves to my person/existence in ANY WAY THEY COULD... besides of course, actual human interaction and honest relationships.... all in an effort to 'get a piece of the action.' Many even attempted to 'place' themselves in a manner in which to lay claim to such fictitious 'ascension' as their own. Thinking there was no reason that they should have to share 'my' good fortune with anyone... even myself.

I look back at it now, and find some of the most pathetic scams a person can think of... even to the tune of having claimed former marriage with myself as well as children that couldn't possibly have taken place. In the initial parts of this.. leading up to the all out social sniveling brawl that would inssue....it could be estimated that waiting to go on record, I had several wives and children, as well as being indebted to every form of business that was in that city AND even a few in other states. Hardly any of which could have physically happened.... all of the paper work being completed and waiting for the proper moment to be filed....

Now then... in the stooges dynamic of this... it would seem that none of the parties involved actually thought that any of the other parties involved had the same pathetic ideas. What's more, is that they ALL thought that they were intelligent in doing so..."so much smarter than everyone else"........and none of them even considered for a moment how incredibly hilarious they looked carrying on the posturing as if they were in sole contention for something.. that big "in" as it were.... as if none of them even suspected that their "wicked and evil little plan (actually being pathetic)" could have been discovered, much less duplicated to the degree of one of the biggest social punchlines EVER. Most of these people claiming that they would keep it on the hush hush... so as to 'save their own face' from the embarrassment of my existence. I even experienced people stealing my personal belongings, for souvenirs or perhaps to "prove their claims"... as if I were already a celebrity.... earings... cooks tools.... clothing... photographs... just sad... damn funny, but sad....

Put that in perspective with my actual daily life. There wasn't a work day that I didn't break a sweat in the kitchen. I never once claimed to be 'more special' or more deserving than any of my co-workers, though outwardly had earned quite a bit of respect in regard to my professional performance....never even raising my voice to any co-workers under some rather stressful conditions. Apparently all any of that served to do was become more fuel for the self perpetuating gossip and self inflicted jealousies.

I can only guess that the rumor of my impending "stardom" and/or wealth began from the very likes of people that are still enjoying the punchline of this social swill... for the purposes that it definitely gained.. which was to maintain and promote the pathetic actions of very desperate, undeserving people. I just laugh... I never really considered extreme wealth or fame in a serious manner... I have always been resigned to earning my keep and had thought it was going to be through cooking the rest of my life....

If it is that I ever found any "fame," it would very much have been as result of the fruits of labor.... I never looked to 'instant stardom' or instant recognition of any sort. It's just damn funny.

I left Seattle for a sabbatical of sorts.... having started a new job with another supposed James Beard level of establishment... only to be met with some of the overflow of the result of that "stooges cycle" of rumor. It seems, from what I can tell of my brief relationship with some of those other "new employees," that I had managed quite a professional reputation. Some of them being from N.Y.C. and others from San Francisco.... having heard of my performance.... I was somewhat flattered for a very short time... then taken back when the effect of the local rumors began to set in.... and more of the looting of personal effects....

I arrived in Las Vegas, Nevada... to spend a couple of weeks relaxing and to contemplate what I had just been exposed to in the form of the incredibly immature and un-expected display in Seattle. They were even fighting among each other, about what they should be able to claim... what recognition they warranted in some fictitious manner. Sad... sick... but funny as hell when I look back at it.

I went to Vegas... because I had relatives there. I always have.... but laughably, they proved to be as stupid as the morons in Seattle... even more so in thinking that those involved in Seattle knew something about life, that none of them knew.... mostly thinking that their fabricated, fictitious and topical information from their gossip and Internet search's, about our own lives, was more valid than their own insights. Just damn funny.... Every one of my sibling and cousins on my mothers side, fell for their twisted version of existence and "how they were going to handle things...." specifically the 'things' that were figments of their own imagination to begin with.... (though maybe instigated from the direction of people having a little fun with their greed).

To further fuel their greedy salivations... you should know that through their topical search's, they discovered that both sides of my family stepped off of the Mayflower. My physical heritage extends even beyond Old Europe... directly through it and many Royal lines.

This must have proven to be wonderful inspiration for the uninformed scavengers in the Pacific Northwest....... many still believing that I could, as per my direct heritage, even lay claim to the Thrown of England if I so pleased....
Yes.. laugh. It is sad... but incredibly funny. Factually, I would have no interest in such directions.... beyond that... such assumptions only show how actually uninformed those claiming to "know how to work this deal" are..... I'll not bore you explaining it here... but research it if you want to add to the laughter. They seriously think things like that. It is much of their motive. Yes... please laugh.


My sibling became different people than what I knew entirely... within a few weeks after I arrived in Las Vegas. Every one of them thinking that they were going to "strike it rich" in one form or another... having believed the uninformed morons in the Pacific Northwest, and their claims to knowing how to really handle the situation.

Yes.... my sibling actually thought that complete strangers knew more about how to handle their own lives, than did they... just all of a sudden after decades of existence. These morons were convinced that I (and possibly my sibling) were due something because of this close relation with my fathers brother (being deceased anyhow), and they knew how to get it.

It was when I witnessed my own siblings immediate change, that I realized why it is that none of them were ever quite privy to the extent of my uncles involvement in the entertainment industry.

My sister in law nearly instantly became a psychopath, stage mom... thinking that through the morons in Seattle, and my families supposed affiliations... that she was going to make her only child (my nephew) a big star. She was going to 'earn this' because she was more deserving (as they all think) than any other, and because she is such a good mother.... she is only "doing this for her sons best interest" is her mantra. Keep in mind here, that this is a woman that let the television raise her only son, locked away in his room with hardly any friends... having to survive on T.V. dinners as she sat on the couch complaining of a hard day at work.... answering telephones to make hotel reservations.

My nearest older brother, her ex-husband... suddenly lost any semblance of what I saw as individualism and his own personality.... he fell into the same sad "super secret we can get a big score" attitude.... If I could illustrate how bad their supposed "secret actions" were.... in doing nothing but the same, lame clambering for something fabricated.. to lay some claim to get that big score... you would probably cry... to view it removed is hilarious... to know that they actually think they are going to get ahead of anything, and make a big score... is kind of sad. They actually believed complete strangers about what they were due, about their own lives... and more so on how to attain it. They were listening to people that obviously had never gotten "it" to begin with... telling them how to achieve "it." After decades of their own, fairly successful and comfortable lives.

My Oldest Brother..... I have to say that I'm not surprised at all by his response. He is in his 50's and has failed at just about everything, except games dealing, in his life. He tried Amway.... He tried Realestate.... He tried to become a lawyer.... just about any "new big thing" to come along... he was immediately in line.... a late night infomercial, get rich quick scheme publishers wet dream. He has closets full of "get rich quick" how too's... none of which ever worked for him. My oldest brother must have been born "with a hook in his mouth." P.T. Barnum said something to the effect of "there's a sucker born every minute." He was right.... I met him... the sucker that is. It's my oldest brother. There is nothing that my oldest brother would stop at, if he thought it would get him that "big score." Fortunately enough, I never knew much of my oldest brother as he was "on his own" when I was born.... He has spent most of his adult life dealing black jack in Vegas.... he could probably tell you with a startling accuracy, what number value card is going to be next out of any dealing shoe.....I suppose that's an attribute.... but it still hasn't gotten him the "big score." He is definitely one of the self serving type of as#holes that fall for the type of crap they have fallen for.... thinking he is really going to get something out of it. I'm none too surprised with how he reacted.... more predictably than the others I might say.

My only and oldest sister.... suddenly thought she was going to "score" with pretending to be in control-to know what was going on, and pretending to always be part of "it" through agreeing with everything the morons in the Pacific Northwest told her.... she was ready to take the bull by the horns I'll tell ya. Man was she going to clean some things up! She was even going to decide which old hotels stayed and which old hotels went there in Vegas....'cause she was "in with the lord." I guess she forgot about how she hated our oldest brother... and all of her actual financial underhandedness in getting what ever she could get her hands on through our lives.... no matter how she had to lie to do it..... not very Christian and not better than our oldest brother at all. Really, from my perspective... they are very much the same person.

It's amazing how they all thought that what amounts to mentally ill, purposefully misled people in the Pacific Northwest and their self inflicted delusions through NOT MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS... was somehow going to make them all suddenly wealthy beyond their wildest dreams.

What it boils down to, is a few people that went nosing around my person, un invited with the intent of one form of fraud or another... happened upon some information that they knew nothing about, being my relation with the uncle I have told you about....as well as my extended heritage..... this fueled with gossip and rumors from their own "Hollywood connections," created this situation and false reality that they were going to stop at nothing to get a piece of.

If they had reliable "Hollywood connections," they wouldn't have been snooping around blindly to begin with. They wouldn't need such pathetic tactics to "get in" on anything. They wouldn't be running circles around themselves based on fabricated crap in their head, thinking they were going to "get in" on something. They would already be "in." They wouldn't have to worry about attaching themselves in so many sad ways. So many delusions.... surviving on who they can fool into thinking they know what they are talking about.... but really not even being smart enough to realize that.

I do hope that you can see some of the immeasurable comedy that this has produced.

I may not agree with their tactics... but I do feel the need to extend kudo's to those who have orchestrated, through the greed of others.... the very large and nearly undetectable (to those blinded with their greed) joke which seems was so easy to put into play..... making those who would claim to sport some power and control, the butt of the joke of their own actions...through their own self servitude, envy, uninformed perspectives... and of course... greed.

It is, when it is all said and done... easily the funniest thing I have ever seen.