It Has Been Said; "How Do I Get One Of Those?"

Alright... so here it is. I know there are thousands of people out there that have daydreamed about it. I know there are literally hundreds of people that have made really shady deals just for it. And here is the part that is going to piss every one of them off.

I was walking down Hollywood boulevard the other day, and out of no where, someone just handed it to me.

There I was.... strutting down the walk of fame and thinking, not unlike many others there walking along in whichever state of existence they happened to be in at the time (including the drunk slumped against the wall that is convinced he already has one as a re-incarnated dead guy of one sort or another), that it would probably be pretty cool to get a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

Of course this is next to impossible in this day and age unless you can afford it that is. Or so I thought.

It seems that there has been a small change in the Hollywood elite that now recognizes that it is really kind of silly to just let people who can afford to bribe and purchase them, have stars on the walk of fame....so they have devised a very "California" like approach to deciding who gets a star on the walk of fame. It is, from what I can tell, a sort of "celebrity welfare" program.

It just so happens that I had been there on one of the two times every year that the entire crew associated with choosing and installing stars on the walk of fame, were set up and doing a test run of this new "dole of fame" so to speak. The only pre-requisite is that you cannot be a native (born in the state) of California.

I was qualified being originally from the great state of Nevada... and I am sure it didn't hurt that she was Battle Born.... so I thought, what the hell... I'll give it a go.

As people might expect, even though it is the "welfare of fame" version... there are still plenty of "catches." For instance in order to qualify further, a person must be able to demonstrate efficiency with a sock puppet OR speak (communicate) in a complete sentence.

I WAS IN!

Another catch is that they just rotate the "freebies" through in the twice a year installation process.... which is understandable as most of the celebrities were mad because they had to buy theirs anyway...and really, as many of the actual celebrity personalities denoted, those useless things aren't really good for much more than a year or so anyhow before the "neat" wears off.....then it's just another place to catch bum spit... as no one really gives a shit anyway and it isn't as though anyone is going to be digging them up in a thousand years as if they were part of the Parthenon or something.

So there it was... I was standing amidst the crew getting ready to install my new star on the walk of fame... really kind of enthralled with the novelty of it. "What a great idea to boost tourism" I said to one of the "panel" members that was usually just getting ready to receive a huge check at this point in the process.

"Yeah, what ever" she replied. "I'm just going along with it so I don't have to compromise my lady like image and to maintain my P.R. with my peeps... so don't go getting all that excited."

"I'm not really" I replied, "Not really all that impressed either...really" I then continued, "think about the kind of people it associates me with... such as yourself for instance.... that's no picnic for 'P.R.' you know... and then" I said pointing to the other stars on the walk of fame where we were standing, "there's junkies and dope fiends.... pill freaks and drunks....camera whores and media whores... then" I continued "there's the most sickening part... the dried up junkies and drunks and the like which have found some self righteous, judgmental stance in some self help group.... which really kind of means they missed the point if you ask me... that's no less obnoxious or detrimental than if they just stayed a raging drunk.... in fact... it might be worse because it means that everyone has to put up with them longer than if they stayed saturated with chemicals and booze and died" I said as I watched the blood leave the face of the "nice lady" in the "panel" of people worried about how this would effect their publicity.

"You aren't supposed to know that stuff...er....something" she stammered clearly at a loss for words with which to maintain and defend her "position" in the "society."

"Not supposed to know that stuff?" I asked rhetorically. "Why do you people put it all over the media then?" I said as she then leaned back and slumped a bit in her chair. "Hell" I then continued, "if I were in the position of some of these folks" I said while again pointing to the other stars on the walk of fame, "I'd just shut the fuck up and enjoy the ride... I wouldn't bother myself with trying to tell someone else how to run their life from the drunken stupor I was living mine in."

"You better watch it" she then said, "I know people buddy."

"That's about as neat as thinking you are some influence on existence" I then said.

"You know...." I then continued, "most of the people on this walk of fame have gone through a definite progression on the way to "godliness" which usually is something like going from an incredible party machine... just as the average "demi-god" celebrity.... into full on "godliness" through becoming a saturated, pissing themselves in fits of emotional instability, chemical freak of one sort or another. I'm thinking... hey, I could do that....and I wouldn't be some self righteous ass about it either."

"Are you just being mean?" she asked me now playing the passive aggressive submissive role.

"Oh, please" I replied, "how could you even think that such a statement would be valid? As I said, it isn't like any of that is a big secret or anything, and it isn't as though I'm personally attacking anyone...just stating the obvious really....and on the live shows.... it isn't that hard to spot the amphetamine freaks either, that's for sure" I then concluded as the workmen were finishing the inlay of my name on the plaque. "What is your name?" I then asked her.

"Coly" she replied in a sort of stand offish way, "Coly Jen Perico."

"Well Ms. Perico" I said, "just consider the fact that the thing over at the Chinese Theater started when a drunk celebrity fell into wet cement.... it isn't as though it's something new about the phenomenon and allure of fame."

"They did not.... they weren't drunk...." she stammered.

"Ahh..." I then said in a smart ass manner, "you must be on the committee of 'enablers' to the stars. How's the pay?"

As the workmen were laying the star it was all that Ms. Perico could do to look busy with something else and not to look at me without looking as though she was trying not to look at me... or even further, trying not to look as though she was pretending not to have heard me.

"That must be her 'special power' in celebrity land" I thought to myself.... "not quite good enough to 'casting couch' her way into acting.... but obviously good enough to land her a position on the panel of payment collectors for the issuance of stars on the walk of fame."